Dying before you Die

There are days I wonder what I was thinking when I made the decision to leave my job in December of 2006 after almost 9 years. For 7 of those 9 years I loved my job emphatically. For 8 of those 9 years I was undecided if I still loved it or not. For the last year it was torture on my soul and my body and I had been feeling like I needed to get out.

It was hard, hard to leave behind a well paying job for someone without a college degree; hard to uproot my son and move in with extended family; hard to leave behind my self-sufficient lifestyle until I could get on my feet in a new place; hard to go back to school at the age of 30.

So I was watching an Oprah rerun today that focused on happiness. The psychologist on there made an observation that really hit home for me - it is possible to die before you die. In the context of the show, where they had just featured a woman who took a 90% cut in pay as she hit 30 because she was not happy at her job anymore (hello, can we say BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!) it made perfect sense to me. My soul was indeed dying at my job, and my body was following.

The last year at my job was the worst physically for me that I can remember. Constant back pain (a residual problem after my 2000 head-on collision), increased blood sugar levels, acid reflux, and a gall bladder that wasn't even working anymore, just to name a few. The gall bladder went in November, I resigned from my job in December. In June I visited my general practitioner and to my great joy, my blood sugar average was the best it had been in years. Yes, I was indeed dying before I died.

I still question some of my choices; some I think were made a bit hastily. I do not question my decision to resign, however. It's been a hard road, but my spirit and my body are in a better place now than they were last year at this time.

Right now I'm choosing to live, and at my core, live happily.