Ramblings, Musings, and the Occasional Wisdom

Graduation

2009-05-09T11:52:00.002-04:00

It was so cool finally taking a walk across the stage for my college degree. It's only my AA, but it's something I quit believing would happen when I married Michael. The gown was snugger than when I graduated from High School (OK, a lot snugger), and the cap is still as dorky, but this time it was donned with 3 tassels - my school tassel, my honors tassel, and my Phi Theta Kappa tassel - so I could forgive the fashion nightmare it presented. Yes, I graduated with honors from HS as well, but they didn't give me a nifty tassel for that accomplishment .

I managed only to choke up as I was walking to the seats and passed by the row of my family and friends - it was wonderful to see my mom's beaming face, but it made me miss my dad so much I couldn't stand it. As I type this, I am fighting back the tears all over again. I'm just glad I was able to regain my composure... as a general rule, I don't like crying.

The other times I thought I would have choked up I was prepared for, and therefore was able to refrain from doing so. Instead, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I walked across the stage to accept my handshake from the president of the college. And while emotional, no tears were shed as I walked through the row of college professors all lined up giving us a round of applause as we proceeded.

My kid near about choked me to death after the ceremony... I could tell he was extremely proud of me, and I was proud of myself for setting such a good academic example for him. I fought back the tears there as well, but those were tears of joy, not sorrow.

Of course, this is only one step in achieving my end goal, and the career I'm going into is not what I thought I would do with myself (ever!) but it's a step in the right direction, and as long as I keep moving forward it'll keep being progress.

Ya, Mon!

2007-09-09T20:03:00.000-04:00

WOW - Jamaica was so much fun! Aside from being solicited for sex and drugs from the moment we stepped into the airport terminal after our flight (literally!), it was the best place ever for vacation. Let me take you through my days:

Thursday: Arrived in the luscious island of Jamaica. Checked into the Sandals Inn and thus began the endless pampering that would follow in the week ahead. By tomorrow, most everyone will know our names! We spent the day getting to know the people, the place, the drink selections...

Friday: Michelle & I went on the Chukka Ultimate Kayak & Canopy tour. We kayaked (and I was so not good at it that the tour guide was stuck to me like glue!) down to a landing where we stopped and climbed (hiked, felt like we were going to die before we got there) to the first of three zip-line platforms. Michelle very graciously allowed me to go first (yeah, thanks!) and off I went. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, maybe because I held onto the line too hard and therefore stopped myself short of the next platform. I had to pull myself to the platform and decided the next time that I would hold onto the line from my waist to the suspension cable to keep myself from breaking too hard. That worked out well because I made it to the next landing, but I spun around since I was not as skilled as our guides. The last line was easy - I was a pro by then! I only spun once or twice and made it to the platform no problem, mon. Then we walked back down to our kayaks and continued on our way. By the end of the tour I was given some more wiggle room to kayak and I ended up off course more than a few times because of it. If you go to Jamaica, this tour is DEFINITELY worth it. The guides made an great tour exceptional.

Saturday: We took an all-day trip to Negril. We learned a lot about the history of the island and saw some "famous homes." Of course, there was duty free shopping and "name that tune" games on the bus. Our tour guide rocked - I feel like I'm saying that a lot, but darn it, it's the truth! We went on a glass bottom boat tour, and I enjoyed the baileys on ice at the swim up bar emensely. Oh, then there were the hammocks were I partook in a nap (um, hello, did you read what I did yesterday?!?!). The best part of the day? Watching the sunset after an evening of cliff jumping. That's right - I jumped off a cliff in a very literal sense! Michelle & I were the only girls that jumped (earning the respect of all the men, of course) but hey, we have always been the kind set a new standard. You know what, I think she made me go first again here too! If I didn't know any better I would think she was trying to get rid of me. Oh well, it was an absolute blast and made me feel 16 again. I can use that kind of fun more often in my life.

Sunday: We did another trip today. It became pretty obvious pretty quickly that scheduling back-to-back trips was not our smartest move. Fortunately, this was a short tour. Not to disappoint, however, the day got off with a bang. The bus - it forgot us. So we made a mad dash onto our boat tour through the dock at Margaritaville. This would be the only time we stepped into the original Jimmy Buffett hot spot, but we got a picture of the lizard to prove it. After jumping onto the boat we headed out to sea. Well, not really, we just went a little ways out where we stopped for a submarine experience and saw lots of Sargeant Majors and some sea urchins. It was pretty neat, but not worth the money. Then there was the snorkeling. Yes, there was snorkeling. Now, ask me if we knew there would be snorkeling. That's right - the answer is no. Did that stop us from snorkeling? Right again - nope! It was lots of fun snorkeling for my first time in clothing. Hey, you've got to live a little!

Monday: Thank the scheduling gods, there were no tours scheduled today! YIPPEE!! We filled the day with pool volleyball and sand volleyball, games and drinking. What a wonderful day. I even got some hammock time that was just divine.

Tuesday: We snorkeled today as well, but this time we had swimsuits. Snorkeling is so much fun. Other than that, we had a great dinner and fun group dance lessons at Mo Bay. Then we went back home and danced some more. Wow, I could get used to this! Too bad this is our last night here.

Wednesday: Last day in Jamaica. Very sad. We swam, had a last drink, and said our goodbyes. Farewell Jamaica, you will be missed but not forgotten!

Jamaica

2007-08-26T23:07:00.000-04:00

YAY! I'm so excited! In a few days I will be hopping on a plane and taking a much awaited trip to the Caribbean. Ah, the sun, the sand, the ocean - does life get any better than that? Yes, as a matter of fact it does, the drinks are included! Oh yeah baby, I will be drinking myself silly on this trip - and hopefully drinking enough water to keep myself hydrated! I'm pretty much packed, a miracle for me since I am a closet procrastinator, but my suitcases sit mostly full awaiting a few last minute items.

There are some weird things about this trip though. I am going to a couples resort with my best friend Michelle, her husband Pete, and their good friend Jason, whom I am getting to know better and is pretty cool. Since this is a couples only resort (the company we are going through also has family resorts, but I'll be darned if I'm going to be around other people's children when I am not taking mine - seriously!)I will be sharing a room with Jason. It's going to be pretty interesting to share a bed (because again, this is a COUPLES resort, so it's not like they have rooms with two double beds available!) with someone I am not romantically involved with, or a family member, or hell, a good friend of the same sex.

I wonder if I should order extra pillows and build a barrier between us like Debra Messing did in that movie where she hires a male escort to go with her to a wedding. Not so much to protect me from Jason, but to protect him from me! I mean normally I am pretty conservative, but tequila tends to... well, there are songs about tequila for a reason!

Did I mention I plan to drink like a fish?

Dying before you Die

2007-08-25T13:24:00.000-04:00

There are days I wonder what I was thinking when I made the decision to leave my job in December of 2006 after almost 9 years. For 7 of those 9 years I loved my job emphatically. For 8 of those 9 years I was undecided if I still loved it or not. For the last year it was torture on my soul and my body and I had been feeling like I needed to get out.

It was hard, hard to leave behind a well paying job for someone without a college degree; hard to uproot my son and move in with extended family; hard to leave behind my self-sufficient lifestyle until I could get on my feet in a new place; hard to go back to school at the age of 30.

So I was watching an Oprah rerun today that focused on happiness. The psychologist on there made an observation that really hit home for me - it is possible to die before you die. In the context of the show, where they had just featured a woman who took a 90% cut in pay as she hit 30 because she was not happy at her job anymore (hello, can we say BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!) it made perfect sense to me. My soul was indeed dying at my job, and my body was following.

The last year at my job was the worst physically for me that I can remember. Constant back pain (a residual problem after my 2000 head-on collision), increased blood sugar levels, acid reflux, and a gall bladder that wasn't even working anymore, just to name a few. The gall bladder went in November, I resigned from my job in December. In June I visited my general practitioner and to my great joy, my blood sugar average was the best it had been in years. Yes, I was indeed dying before I died.

I still question some of my choices; some I think were made a bit hastily. I do not question my decision to resign, however. It's been a hard road, but my spirit and my body are in a better place now than they were last year at this time.

Right now I'm choosing to live, and at my core, live happily.

I am a copy cat!

2007-08-12T23:39:00.000-04:00

My friend Mark (who go it from his friend Jeri) posted a list of 7s on his blog, and since I have not posted in so long, here is my work in progress. Sooner or later, I'll get it done.

7 Things to Do Before I Die:
- travel the US in an RV and see all the famous sites, at least one in each state
- yell less
- find true and eternal love
- travel throughout Europe and visit the places my family comes from
- see my son become a productive and essential member of society
- polish up on my French, learn Italian
- get healthy

7 Things I Cannot Do:
- quit over-analyzing things
- drive at or below the speed limit (AMEN Mark - I'm using this one!)
- stand liars
- keep my mouth shut when I think I'm right about something
- stand irresponsible pet owners
- a pull-up (not even when I was thin!)
- understand cruelty of any kind

7 things that attract me to people:
- eyes that tell you their soul's secrets
- intelligence
- playfulness
- a sense of self
- respectfulness
- a sense of humor
- a nurturing spirit

7 Things I Would Never Say:
- "I don't have an opinion about that"
- "I am a calm, rational driver"
- "Why don't we do it your way"
- "I am a morning person"
- "I'm proud of most of the choices I've made in my life"
- "I hate chocolate"
- "I love snakes"

7 Books or Series I Love:
- Harry Potter...books 1-7
- Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix (deserves a second mention since I cried)
- Salem's Lot
- 1984
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7 Movies I can watch over and over:
- Hope Floats
- Top Gun (and yes, cry each time Goose dies)
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2007-08-12T23:34:00.000-04:00

Well, I spent about an hour tonight updating the layout of this thing, so maybe I should post a "Hello world, I'm back" message? Seriously, I have lots and lots to write about, but for now, this girl is going to bed!

Still Here

2006-03-15T16:17:00.000-05:00

Yep, still around, never post, but still around.... hum de dum

I'm so funny

2005-08-16T12:38:00.000-04:00

the Ham
(28% dark, 53% spontaneous, 26% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN SPONTANEOUS LIGHT
Your style's goofy, innocent and feel-good. Perfect for parties and for the dads who chaperone them. You can actually get away with corny jokes, and I bet your sense of humor is a guilty pleasure for your friends. People of your type are often the most approachable and popular people in their circle. Your simple & silly good-naturedness is immediately recognizable, and it sets you apart in this sarcastic world.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Will Ferrell - Will Smith

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 0% on dark

You scored higher than 87% on spontaneous

You scored higher than 43% on vulgar

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

Reflecting

2005-02-24T02:11:00.000-05:00

So today I am pondering my personal quote - "Love others, but first, love yourself" - I've decided this sounds rather arrogant. It's not intended to be that. Simply, I mean that you have to love yourself, who you are, and feel good about YOU before you can truly love someone else the way they deserve to be loved, and without creating a dependency on that person, becoming merely an extension of them. This is what I failed to do, and therefore allowed myself to be in a toxic marriage and refused to leave not only because I fundamentally believe that when you get married you stay married, but because I truly didn't think I could live without that person, that I would lose who I was, I would lose my purpose. In a way, I was right.

When you get married and have a child right out of High School, you really don't have time to find yourself. Some people go to college to do that, others get a job and move out on their own and others still are fortunate enough to know who they are regardless. When my ex left he took me with him; leaving only fragments of a girl who had not fully developed herself scattered about insignificantly. He even took part of my identity as a mom; being a single mom isn't the same as being a married mom. He took these things because I wasn't strong enough in who I was without him to keep them, and because some of them weren't mine to begin with. He took these things because I lost myself in him and forgot who I had started to become.

It's taken me some time to realize that no one but Michele can put me back together, and that I should only put back what I need and want, tossing the pieces that never really fit in the first place. Being ugly to my kid isn't the mom I started out being; not wanting to talk to my family is not the sister/daughter I hoped I would become; hating life and walking around with a grudge the size of Mt Everest isn't the me that's in my heart.

This is a constant battle for me. Those pieces of me that I don't want to be have pushed their way to the front and center; they've swelled in the empty spaces left by the pieces of me that walked out with my ex. It's going to take hard work to put them in their place but I have to try if I'm ever going to be truly happy, and I really want that. It's easy to stick with the known, staying in a comfort zone, but I'm starting to feel uncomfortable here, and it's time to move on. I don't need to be the rude, hateful, cynical bitch that I have become, I can be a fun loving, playfully sarcastic bitch that I once was. That bitch didn't hurt people, this one is alienating herself from her co-workers, her friends, and her family.

This bitch has got to find a new way home!

Not so smart

2004-12-20T21:47:00.000-05:00

Well, fine I guess you can't use chocolate-chip cookie dough when making Christmas shaped cookies - what's the fun in that? I made a gooey mess figuring this out! And the kiddo didn't even help with the cookies - can you believe that? Oh sure, he told me how many he wanted me to make, but he watched cartoons while I baked!

Anyway, he's at "the father's" house now, but I think when he gets back, sometime after the 27th, we might try a family project... maybe a gingerbread house or something? Not in time for Christmas, but it's still technically in the holiday season, so that counts, right?

Let the rambling begin!

2004-12-16T15:04:00.000-05:00

OK, so emailing the post worked, now watch out because you are going to be hard pressed to shut me up! Today my son & I are going to make Christmas cookies for his party tomorrow at school - how sweet is that?

Hopefully we I will remain calm, cool & collected as we bake 6 dozen of these things! I am taking the easy way out though, we bought a bucket of chocolate chip cookie dough and that's what we're making. Believe it or not, he didn't want to make sugar cookies with sprinkles & stuff.

I wonder if I can roll the chocolate chip cookie dough out on the counter & cut Christmas shapes into it? I am going to try it....

Testing

2004-12-15T17:57:00.000-05:00

OK, I'm testing this blogger email thing... I think I am seriously doing this wrong, but hell, if I'm not, you won't be able to shut me up! LOL

Merry Christmas to me!

2004-12-15T17:38:00.000-05:00

So, what did I get myself for Christmas this year? One guess - no, it doesn't vibrate. I am getting myself a brake job! How fun is that!?!?!? :::rolls eyes::: my son gets cool toys, my relatives get cool stuff, my friends get cool... well, you get the point. What do *I* get? BRAKES! oh, and new rotors too - yippeeeeeeeeeeee! - and yes, this is being sarcastic!

Ex

2004-11-08T12:17:00.000-05:00

You know, why is it that I got stuck marrying a jerk? I couldn't have married the "nice boy" that thought I was the best thing since sliced bread (to coin a southern phrase)? No, I guess I had to marry Mr. Jerk, that was my destiny.

Anyways, to get on with my rant... This weekend was the ex's weekend with our son. He was 15 minutes late picking him up, because he thinks I have nothing better to do with my time than wait, and until recently, I perpetuated that by always waiting. So, the weekend goes on and I remind him NOT to be late Monday morning when he drops off our son, and his response, like a true controlling asshole, is "I'll see what I can do about that". I roll my eyes & hang up, knowing what that translates into - "Watch me!"

Of course, this morning I do my duty and wait at our determined meet point. I decided that I would NOT allow him to control me, and that if he was late I would simply leave, thereby making it his responsibility to bring our son to school (an hour out of his way). 10 minutes past the time he is supposed to get there, I left. Once I got into town -I cannot find my cell phone, another rant of its own- I called him to find out where they were since I had Destin's bookbag. He, being the asshole that he is, preceded to tell me that I needed to read my paperwork, that as long as he got him to school, I could not do anything about it. I informed him that our paperwork states if Destin is late to school twice in any given school year because of him, that he will have to bring Destin home at 6pm on Sundays. This pushed him over the edge.

Frankly, I don't give a shit. He is not paying child support like he is supposed to, yet I have to let him see Destin as agreed. Not that children should be used as pawns, I am against that, but what I think is the punishment for not paying child support should take less than 3 months to catch up with him! I mean, there should be a 10 day grace period, and after that, BOOM, your license is suspended. No wonder there are so many Dead-Beat-Dads out there, they know it will take the system months, if not years, to catch up with them!

Thus it begins

2004-11-05T14:14:00.000-05:00

So, I check out the blog site of a dear friend & end up making one of my own, because I had nothing else to do with my time at work? No, because I don't feel like doing what I'm supposed to be doing of course!

Anyway, I am sick & tired of my ex-husband and wonder just WHY can't there be such a thing as justifiable homicide instead of divorce? Seriously, I want an independent panel of judges, made up of scorn women naturally, that will say "OK, we understand, he is truly one of the world's lowest manifestations of scum, and therefore we grant you permission to slowly torture him; you then have the option of ending his grueling pain with death, but this is not required." THAT's what I want! I also want, in this case, the ability to torture the little slut who didn't care that he was married by forcing her to WATCH! Yes, that would be poetic justice.

Is this too much to ask?